i'm going to change this world. man i've got a million ideas.

i think i'm just now really becoming a man. 22 years. this is it. i mean this in a worldly sense. I'm just now becoming one with reality. i feel like ive always had my finger on the pulse of whats going on and i dont mean whats going on in the sense of world affairs, but rather my understanding of what the world is. its coming to the forefront. I understand the bullshit. all that it took to get me here was 22 years, a girl, and a drinking problem.
this all started on my way to work on my first day. i saw someone, a girl on the street. i dont remember the date but it was on a saturday around 10am. skip to nearly a year later and this girl is becoming my destruction. i should be strong enough to not let a girl bring me down but hey, lets face it, its happening. anyway, (before i go any further you as the reader need to understand my current state. i have been drinking since around 2pm on saturday. it is now 315am on sunday. what this means for you is, well, you're reading this--hopefully--you'll get it) i think i've read a little too much bukowski and i feel as though he might be rubbing off on me.
a thought runs through my head. "will this be the rest of my life?"
i may jump around a bit so please try to stick with me...my mom has always feared that i would turn into an alcoholic. after all, my father was an alcoholic and it drove him to the grave. i don't know his story except for the part where he met my mom>had me>left me>drank until he died. my brother, well half-brother, isn't doing much better. from what i know he was a drug dealer before he went to prison. after prison, for which he did 8years, he developed a dependency problem. (i don't think he could handle being out.) he couldn't go a day without marijuana and vicodin and it led to him ending up in prison, again.
so now back to me. back to the girl. i don't know what to call this thing with the girl. was it a fling? were we seeing each other? was i a rebound? no. no. yes. that's what i feel it was to be completely honest. i was a rebound and i got a little too attached. it happened. so what? well...now i'm stuck. after the break/separation i drank to try and forget. i had two horrible days right after but i got over her by the 3rd day. the 3rd day is actually when i started to feel better but in the back of my mind, she was still there. this i feel is how at least 58% of all drinking problems start. the other 42% comes from debt, death, health, and other various issues. anyway, i've been drinking since then. well, i was drinking before the break and she was only a reason not to stop. i haven't stopped.

to be continued...

----------------
Now playing: Dan Black - Cocoon
via FoxyTunes