i'm going to change this world. man i've got a million ideas.

i think i'm just now really becoming a man. 22 years. this is it. i mean this in a worldly sense. I'm just now becoming one with reality. i feel like ive always had my finger on the pulse of whats going on and i dont mean whats going on in the sense of world affairs, but rather my understanding of what the world is. its coming to the forefront. I understand the bullshit. all that it took to get me here was 22 years, a girl, and a drinking problem.
this all started on my way to work on my first day. i saw someone, a girl on the street. i dont remember the date but it was on a saturday around 10am. skip to nearly a year later and this girl is becoming my destruction. i should be strong enough to not let a girl bring me down but hey, lets face it, its happening. anyway, (before i go any further you as the reader need to understand my current state. i have been drinking since around 2pm on saturday. it is now 315am on sunday. what this means for you is, well, you're reading this--hopefully--you'll get it) i think i've read a little too much bukowski and i feel as though he might be rubbing off on me.
a thought runs through my head. "will this be the rest of my life?"
i may jump around a bit so please try to stick with me...my mom has always feared that i would turn into an alcoholic. after all, my father was an alcoholic and it drove him to the grave. i don't know his story except for the part where he met my mom>had me>left me>drank until he died. my brother, well half-brother, isn't doing much better. from what i know he was a drug dealer before he went to prison. after prison, for which he did 8years, he developed a dependency problem. (i don't think he could handle being out.) he couldn't go a day without marijuana and vicodin and it led to him ending up in prison, again.
so now back to me. back to the girl. i don't know what to call this thing with the girl. was it a fling? were we seeing each other? was i a rebound? no. no. yes. that's what i feel it was to be completely honest. i was a rebound and i got a little too attached. it happened. so what? well...now i'm stuck. after the break/separation i drank to try and forget. i had two horrible days right after but i got over her by the 3rd day. the 3rd day is actually when i started to feel better but in the back of my mind, she was still there. this i feel is how at least 58% of all drinking problems start. the other 42% comes from debt, death, health, and other various issues. anyway, i've been drinking since then. well, i was drinking before the break and she was only a reason not to stop. i haven't stopped.

to be continued...

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Now playing: Dan Black - Cocoon
via FoxyTunes

a mild pervert. written 8/16/09

this was the first of several short essays i've started writing. most have been written while under the influence of alcohol and I believe they are horribly written in every respect. I've decided when I have several written i'll collect them in something I want to title, A collection of horribly written essays by a young pervert. perhaps i will go back and develop them at some point, but for now here is the first. unedited. mostly.


i stare at women everywhere (this morning I woke up around 5am and got ready to make an 835am flight to san diego from SF). I love airports. You see all types of women. Not many but a few. Young, old, teens & 20 somethings. Now I'm not a pedophile but i've caught myself looking at teens- i'm 22 and it wasn't too long ago that I myself was still in my teens so Its seems completely appropriate to throw a glance their way. 16 is the cut off though-- As i sat in the terminal waiting to board my flight a mother and her 2 two teenage daughters paced towards me. The 2 girls, her daughters I assumed, wore cut-off shorts--their Daisy Dukes--and I watched as they made their way towards me. I watched them as they passed and left my sight.
A couple of minutes after the teenage girls and their mother walked my I spotted a gorgeous brunette with thick glasses--not frames, but lenses--and she wore them well. Her hair was wavy, crunched almost. She wore a jean jacket with a blue one-piece skirt. At the end of her skirt stood her thighs. Not extraordinarily thick but the way she walked accentuated each thigh. These were the thighs I wished to see on the teens' Daisy Dukes. She even wore the boots to top off the outfit. Once she walked passed me my eyes drew to her buttocks. She was fit so I imagined what it looked like. This, of course, differed from what i wanted it to look like under there. There were plenty of attractive women at the airport and i imagined the same thing yet prefer to picture them as I want, not how my imagination conjures them up.

summer, man

1. LIMBECK!!!
2. dan black - un
23. jonathan ames reading fest
4.
5, pete yorn & scarlett johansson - break up (rad album)
4\6 rediscovering Johnny Cash (well, the american recordings)
7 - maylene and the sons of disaster III
88 Judd Apatow's Funny people
(9) beer
X:::pat benatar (i know she's old. I heard alot of pat benatar this summer)
11_inglorious basterds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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